Thanksgiving Thoughts.

I'm not actually sure where to put this, since I don't really use my blog anymore. But a few thoughts this holiday season:

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I sit here on Thanksgiving happy to have the time to finally catch up on life, family, friends, and of course a little sleep. Yet, I can't help but be distracted.

After an unexpected conversation with a couple of classmates on our individual relationship with race over the years, I have been unable to get my mind off of the topic. Thanks Robbie​ + Eugene​ for that haha.

I sit here watching the news, and it's once again the same narrative which seems to forever be on repeat. And I suddenly realize why I hate watching the news.

It is such an infuriating thing to see the way in which racial minorities are often portrayed in the media. Not just in the US, but in most societies, minorities are portrayed as the disgruntled runts of society: lacking intelligence, lacking values, lacking integrity, lacking a moral compass.

Rarely given the benefit of the doubt; Often guilty until proven innocent.

But what is the solution? What does one do?

I characterize it as the Martin v. Malcolm dilemma. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."

By making a scene, you are being hypersensitive to race. You are that volatile ticking time bomb that no one wants to be around.

Furthermore, if you act aggressively (Malcolm X) you are just reinforcing the stereotype, yet if you behave passively (MLK) then you are often dismissed or ignored. Ironically, I have to ask if either side of MLK v. Malcolm X would have achieved any progress without the other? (But, that is a debate for another time.)

For me, the solution has been to stay neutral and do nothing. I have taken on a persona of HYPO-sensitivity: racially ignorant, racially unaware. Often viewed as the exception to the norm. Often able to fly under the radar. Often able to assimilate into any group.

I find myself in a holding pattern. Waiting for the war to be over, such that I can avoid the battle unscathed. No one wants to be a martyr. At least, I personally do not want a life defined by martyrdom.

And that's where privilege truly has made a difference in my life; and where privilege truly makes a difference between a majority and underrepresented minority group.

I just want to live MY life. But, in order to do so, I constantly face a great amount of guilt and - at times - self-disgust in tolerating and often ignoring the issues which affect and bring down my loved ones on a daily basis.

Coming home for Thanksgiving, I received the usual set of disappointing updates. Recent incarcerations, recent unemployment, recent homelessness, it seems like these stories plagued even the most fortunate in my family and community.

A consequence of our race? Of course not exclusively. If that were the case, this would be my story as well. BUT, when I reflect on my own experience with growing up an African American male in this country and the role that race has played in every aspect of my life, it is clear that race has played a huge role in each of their lives as well - in a way that is perhaps more common.

My cards were dealt in a way that allowed me succeed.

My mom happens to be the toughest person in the world: a role model, a ruthless protector, an unfaltering enforcer, and a best friend for me at the times when I needed it most. Moreover, I have been able to take full advantage of the positive aspects of my race, leveraging both my learned and natural traits to get into good schools, get good jobs, and achieve many of the far-reaching goals set by my family growing up.

BUT should I pat myself on the back for this? Not at all. To be honest, I put myself in the shoes of my family members, friends, and others, and I could EASILY be in their shoes. If put between a rock and hard place, I could EASILY be one of the stories that you see on television. And this is what saddens and angers me most when people downplay or disregard grievances of minorities in this country. Or when I turn on the news and see certain minorities portrayed as conniving, deceiving, value-less, or inhuman - regardless of what they are doing. It's infuriating.

I may not be the type to protest or to make a scene about issues of race. I may not have been the president of my NSBE organization in undergrad, or even an active member of any Black Students organizations on campus. I may be guilty of taking advantage of or downplaying my own frustrations and issues with race in order to be seen as 'approachable' by my peers and those that I work with. But I do not view this as a positive, and I encourage my friends - minority and majority alike - to do the same. I would classify my choice as my own selfishness and cowardice deciding to not take a stand or be a martyr for issues which truly do impact me on a daily basis. In choosing to prioritize my own future life and career over that of others, I continue to ignore issues associated with race. I continue to shamefully disassociate myself from the issues faced by my relatives and friends. I continue to disappoint myself - time and time again.

And what saddens me most? The irony that my cowardice and selfishness with respect to my race has been at the core of my success, while those who are courageous continue to be martyrs for the cause - only to be publicly mocked and ridiculed, and even demonized by some.

It's a sad reality - not just about America, but about humanity in general. This isn't just seen with African Americans or Latinos in America. I see numerous parallels across many underrepresented groups of people forced to live as minorities within a majority - groups of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation around the would - forced to either act or assimilate.

Caught between a rock and a hard place.

I know this post might be seen as random, but I sit here on Thanksgiving unable to enjoy my time off - yet also unable to be productive - as these thoughts continue to distract and bug me.

I doubt I'm the only one to feel this way; but if so, I encourage everyone to take a second to stop and think about their own relationship with the issues going on today - both in the US and around the world. The elephant in the room is tired of hiding; in fact, he's practically sitting right on top of the dining table crushing the potatoes and the turkey.